Aloha!

This post will never be the way I want it so I'm posting it anyway. I don't feel like I can do it justice. It is so hard to explain because I feel like it was the best thing for our marriage but possibly the worst thing for Kendrick. I'm a huge fan of taking kids on vacation but I also think it is so important to have time to reconnect with your spouse. Clearly the best option is to pay for a babysitter to spend vacation with you so that you can have some time alone but still time together as a family. Next time we will probably make sure we can afford a babysitter. Kendrick was WELL watched over and we didn't have to worry a bit. It was just hard to be away from him and help him build confidence in us that we would not leave him again. 

 Leaving AZ!

 Nate's activity

 Can see our condo from the sky

 Jurassic Park waterfall? One of the waterfalls was...

 Begging Nate to make the helicopter land. I hope to never get on a helicopter again unless I'm dying. Violently numb and dizzy. 

 Sunrise. 

 Mel's activity. 8 mile hike (round trip) along the coast to a waterfall.

 Bamboo

We made it to the waterfall.

Hawaii was magical. It was like hitting a reset button on our marriage. We were able to work through areas that we put on the back burner for awhile. It honestly felt like we were newly married and madly in love (because we are). I am so looking forward to what 2014 has to offer us because Nate and I are ready. We are strong and we are ready to fight whatever life wants to throw our way. Our 3rd year of marriage was possibly the hardest simply because each day it felt like there was no time for us. It has only been a few months but I'm thinking our 4th year is going to be the best. I don't care what life hands us this year we are going to make our lemonade out of it and enjoy sipping it together. 

Brave (Intense post!)

There are many many posts that I am so excited to share. I’m skipping Hawaii at the moment and moving onto my trip to Utah because Hawaii is mainly pictures and if you know me I prefer to blab instead of load pictures.

Utah was a trip to see family. It was incredibly hard because Nate and I had spend so much time together and had created a positive reset on our marriage that time away was almost unbearable. To top it off I had one of the most awful experiences of my life during my stay.

Backing up a bit my BFF came and visited Nate and I the week before we left for HA. It was during Halloween and to get into the Holiday spirit one night we decided to watch a scary movie. Worst decision ever made. In the first few minutes of watching the show I had my eyes tight shut and my ears plugged while screaming “turn it off!!” My spirit felt damaged and I felt like throwing up. What I had seen was far too evil for my spirit. We changed movies but I continued to talk to Nate about my fear of what I had seen. I did not sleep well that night but a few days later it was soon forgotten.

Fast forward to my trip to Utah and I couldn’t get the image of what I had seen out of my mind. Each time I closed my eyes I saw the same movie clip. I was terrified to sleep and so I read my scriptures, sang songs, and tried to think happy happy thoughts. If/When I finally did fall asleep I’d have the worst nightmare I have ever experienced.

The first time I had this nightmare was about 7-8 months after Kendrick was born. In the nightmare I am trapped in my dream paralyzed knowing I am dreaming but unable to wake up. Most often I can control my dreams. I can change them in the middle or wake up the second I realize I’m dreaming. The first time the nightmare happened I could hear Kendrick crying but I didn't know how to wake up in order to go get him. I would tell myself to just move my arm, leg, toe, etc and when I tried I’d realize I couldn't. When I finally was able to snap out of it I knew Kendrick had been crying for a minimum of a half hour. I sobbed to my dad (Nate was in school) about how terrifying this dream was to me.

While in Utah I was having my paralyzing dream once more only I knew that I was not alone in it. I could feel the presence of evil in the dream but being paralyzed I could not run from it. I knew exactly where in my room a negative presence was standing. It spoke my name and it was so clear it was as if someone right next to me was saying Melanie. It was then that I realized I could still control one thing… my breath. I instantly held it and woke up immediately. (If anyone is ever unfortunate enough to ever experience this dream I have done it a few times sense and it seems to be a foolproof way to wake up)

I was so scared I just shook sobbing unable to move for fear that the evil presence had not only been a dream. I finally was able to reach my phone and call my sister who luckily was in a time zone 3 hrs ahead of mine (It was 4am in Utah). To my delight she answered and I know that this was the first of many miracles that were about to happen. She calmed me down and gave me the confidence to go upstairs to try to get a blessing from Nate’s dad, Cecil. She sang Brave by Sara Bareilles while I climbed the stairs. It is now one of my favorite songs.

Nate’s dad was not awake and so I turned on Finding Nemo instead and decided to wait until he was awake. When he did come out I was too bashful to ask for a blessing. However, the spirit that Cecil was following allowed him to ask questions that opened the door for me to be brave and ask for one. I will never forget the blessing that was given. There were so many phrases and words in it that were right out of my patriarchal blessing. The sprit was strong. I felt so much love and respect for Nate’s family for not judging or criticizing my raw feelings. Cindy (Nate’s step-ma) even stayed home from work for a few hours to comfort me. I will never forget the kindness and love that she gave.

Once again we are going to fast forward to just a few days before leaving for Washington. I would be leaving my hubby for 12 days to watch my cute nieces so my brother and SIL could take a much needed vacation. I was having panic attacks about the upcoming trip and the possibility of experiencing my nightmare while alone with 3 kids. I was again seeing the image of the movie being replayed in my mind when I would close my eyes. Less than 48 hours before my flight was to leave I was bawling to Nate about my fears. I even embarrassingly asked my SIL in Oregon if I could possibly stay with her and her family for the 12 days if I had to. I was a mess and feeling completely defeated.

I tell you these details because I am so proud of how far I have come and how quickly the spirit of fear can be filled with peace. I asked Nathan if he would give me a blessing before I left but I never ended up feeling the need for it. It was Nate’s turn to pray the night I was sobbing to him and I have felt completely brave, confident, peaceful, clear minded sense that prayer was said. He only said 3 sentences regarding my fear and the second they were said I felt the fear leave and the peace fill my heart.

I am currently writing this while still in Washington with only 2 more nights to go. I wrote this entire post without having a panic attack. I am alone with 3 kids sleeping and my fear is defeated. The evil presence did not win because when there is light and goodness in the world it never will.
I believe that when we look for evil it will come. I allowed that evil to come into my heart and home by giving it power to frighten me. I believe that there is a devil who knows our fears and weaknesses and wants us to be miserable like himself. I also believe in a Savior who fought for the sins of the world so that we could have joy and live with him again. Fear and Peace cannot coexist. We must pick a side (I recommend peace) and be brave enough to fight for it. Good will always win.

While fears and temptations do exists they are meant to help strengthen us not bring us down to the gulfs of misery. If there is a fear that is too difficult to overcome then make Jesus Christ your best friend because he will carry you through. He will help your heart heal and your fears quiet. He will not only love you endlessly but teach you how to love endlessly and make this life a happy one. When Christ is our companion we can accomplish any goal or dream that we think up. He will be our biggest cheerleader to accomplishing this life if we just let him in. Remember Him this Christmas because ultimately He is the greatest gift that was ever given to mankind.

Crow #2

Nope not preggo! However, this post is about baby number 2! It has been on my mind a lot which is why I might as well blog about it. I love babies! If I didn't want to be a stay at home mom so badly I would probably be a Obstetrician or something as close to that as possible. I always have this constant pull to have a newborn in my arms. Newborns have a spirit about them that no other person posses. They are a taste of heaven and the closest thing to it.

Mainly I just wanted to talk about #2 because everyone (meaning people who are not family or friends) keeps asking us about it. I'm a fairly open person so if people are going to keep asking I guess I can post our response on here and refer the question to my blog. I think I'm amazed by everyone being so bold because I only had one person ask us when we were going to get pregnant the 1st time. Also I rarely had anyone comment too much on my pregnancy. Somehow we are now getting questions at least once a week about #2. I'm blown out of the water each time and usually just laugh because it is so awkward. I don't understand why they try so hard to tell me that Kendrick needs a brother when do not even know Kendrick's first name.

I will always want a baby. I wanted to be pregnant again almost the moment I had Kendrick because I missed having him in my belly. I love pregnancy and I love babies. That part is simple for me. The complicated part is that I'm a logical person. I don't let my love for a newborn baby overpower my thoughts of what is right for our family. I love my time with Kendrick. He keeps me so busy during the day that my confidence as a mom to more than one is pretty low. I know my Heavenly Father will help me with that but I also believe that I know my own limits and being aware of that is what help me be a better mom when we choose to expand our family.

When we choose to have another baby it will be between God, Nathan and I. I do know that I will be overjoyed no matter the moment but I'm also overjoyed with my life now. I feel complete with what blessings I have been given to me now. While babies are always a blessing Kenny has filled my heart to the rim. When the time comes for another it will be the best time in our lives I am sure. Right now though I'm still so so so happy that God allowed me to be a mother to Kendrick. He is my world and I feel so complete with him in it. He allowed me to have my dream job and I have much I can still do to be better at it.

So to answer the question on when will we have #2? No idea! I'm happy waiting and I also wish that I could have a baby tomorrow. I have no doubts that Kendrick would love having a playmate now. I also don't doubt that he will be a great big brother even if his sibling is not super close to his age. I will be the one teaching my children how to love and respect each other so there is no magical age that will make that happen.

OFF TOPIC PARAGRAPH: Nathan is the most supportive husband ever! He supports my ideas and helps me move past my fears. I look forward to our adventures that we still have ahead of us and enjoy the ones we are currently living. We don't have a perfect marriage but we are continually learning and growing in order to try to better it. We have had some big decisions to make the past few weeks and I am so proud of his ability to make them with confidence. He amazes me on a daily basis. He is the love of my life and I feel so lucky that I met him at a young age so I could make all of life's big decisions with him.

Black Friday

Nate and I have always been black Friday fans. We think it is neat to go shopping at weird hours in the night and get a good deal. We also like the excitement of being surrounded by tons of people and then having the chance to chat while we wait in line. It is low key for us but I think my excitement came from my Uncle Brian. He would always just go for the door busters (which used to be little nik naks like a snow globe for free). A lot of the fun also comes from the planning of which stores to hit and when.

This year I'm not so fond of the idea. While I don't mind sitting on the couch and looking through ads with my fam I most certainly do mind actually shopping on Thanksgiving. Arg you stores on cutting in on time with my family. It just shows that the world is trying harder and harder to cut in on family time. Nate and I were still considering going just because we are away most of our family but then we decided we just didn't want to support that. We haven't had time to even get excited about anything that is on sale so it was a easy decision. I secretly hope that everyone chooses not to go so that stores will get the idea that Christmas comes AFTER Thanksgiving!! Plus Christmas has a much deeper meaning and pushing and shoving for material items certainly takes away from that.

Car Update: We did buy car on Monday but returned it Tuesday. We researched it more and decided that it still wasn't the one for us. We are probably the only people that have ever returned a car to a dealership without there being anything major wrong with the car. We are slow decision makers lol. We were able to rent a car so hopefully we will find a car before we have to return the rental. Wish us luck!

Bondo Buggy no more

This week has been a roller coaster of events. I think it has been evenly balanced with good and bad. I'll list the bad first and end with the good. Our Bondo buggy car died on Tuesday, our dryer will sometimes work for 10 min, and our brand new fridge needs maintenance.

While we were driving back from running errands we were talking about our car possibly dying in the future and what we would do. Well it must have felt the negative vibe we were giving off and decided to just quit on us. It was a sad day. It has been a nightmare trying to figure out how to get around without a car. We have have spent a lot of time on the internet without being able to come up with any immediate solutions... and not be able to rent a car due to me being too young with no credit card (without paying ridiculous amounts).

The dryer has been having issues sense August but we just put up a line outside and put off worrying about it. It had been drying our clothes enough that they weren't crispy until this week. Stiff towels to exfoliate the skin after showing are not ideal. We will probably keep delaying buying a new one so if our clothes look extra stiff and wrinkled please no judgments.

The fridge is special. It must have been calibrated wrong. The freezer is too cold and the buttons are flipped (warmer = colder). The fridge doesn't get cold enough. Our milk never seems to have that refreshing taste to it and things tend to mold before their expiration dates. On the bright side we have no car to get food with so I guess this one isn't that big of a deal.

Now for the good news. I was wrong about the news being balanced. I have WAY more good news than bad.

*I ran into my friend from Snow College on Sunday at my MIL's ward. Still feeling pretty excited about that.
*My amazing hubby let me sleep all day Monday to make up for all the sleepless/ nightmare nights in Utah. Woot Woot!
*We have incredibly nice neighbors and friends that have helped us with all our car issues. We owe them big time.
*My friend and old roommate had her baby on Tuesday. Couldn't be happier for her and her hubby!
*Kendrick hit a new record of sleeping 18.5 hours last night and Nate and I were able to do some serious car research.
*Kendrick is mimicking all words I say. The only word that he says often and is still a mystery on the meaning sounds like California.
*Kendrick and I leave for Washington in 2 weeks and Kendrick has been a gem flyer thanks to his love for airplanes.
*Nate and I have been having so much fun planning out our future. While car hunting is not ideal without a car it still is fun to have all options open and experience a new step in life. We have so many decisions to make in the next few months and it is so fun to dream and try to make them
together.

I have many things that I am excited to blog about but lets be realistic. Until we have a car I will only be on the internet to look at cars. If anyone reads this and has some helpful hints for us on our adventure feel free to share! Thanks!

No pictures

Yup once again I'm not adding pictures to this post. I've never been a picture kind of gal so I guess I'm not too surprised that I still hate taking them and adding them to my writing. I will probably just dump some on here when I feel in the mood :)

Backtracking a little, my BFF #2 (Nate is/will always be my #1) came and visited me this past week. It was pretty much the best week sense I moved in and that is saying a lot because I feel like moving to AZ has been a positive change for us. We mostly talked and ate lots of yummy food. When we are next door neighbors we have plans to have a recreational center in our backyard so that we can still be friends without it affecting our health. I can hardly wait for that day! It keeps me wanting to grow older verses younger (because childhood is amazing but we can't go back).

My baby is in Utah. I miss him. I have only been home and away from him for a few hours and I do not feel relieved. I am not the slightest bit worried about him but I miss his company. Nate will be working until we leave and I miss my buddy. It was so hard to leave him when I was getting dropped off at the airport the only word he kept saying was "go". I just flipped the meaning of the word and said "mommy has to go get on the plane".  I knew that he was not saying it because I was going. He was only saying it because he wanted to go.

I have only 10 more days and nights before I get to see my little mister. I also have flown 2 out of the 10 times (including plane changes) that will happen before the end of the year. I still feel like I am just watching someone else experience this exciting life but then I remember how hard Nathan worked and the toll it took on our marriage in order to get to this point and I know it is still me. We dreamed about it for 2 years and now it is time to experience it. Hello Kauai!!

Peponi

My lovely sister shared this song (original) and this song (adorable version) with me. It made me smile on so many levels. It is so simple which is why I love it so. Paradise should be simple. There shouldn't be a million things pulling our attention or time away from the simple things in life.

I want to blog. I love to blog. I find it so fun to just sit any type whatever my fingers feel like writing. The internet however, is not so simple. There are so many things that are accessible to us that it is easy to get distracted. For this reason I don't blog often. I try to just post when I want and if it isn't something that can be quickly simplified in a post then I won't blog about it.

I've been making a lot of changes in my life and I must say that I kinda feel like I'm living in Paradise. I am sacrificing a lot in order to get it but at the same time it is worth ever single sacrifice. I may not be informed of what is going on in the social media but I know that my little boy learned how to control his his emotions today because he was able to calm down, stop crying and look me directly in the eyes to ask for some chips. It was a powerful mommy moment and a moment of accomplishment for both him and I.

Arizona winter months really are paradise. Mostly though I'm grateful that I have a hubby and little man who make any moment a paradise moment just by being a part of it. Check out the song and let me know if you have moments of paradise in your home!