Today I woke up over an hour before my alarm clock with anticipation. I forced myself to not look at the clock until at least 5:30 and then tried to keep my excitement to myself for the remaining half hour. I couldn't find sleep but it was not hard to daydream. I was picturing myself as a mother. Wondering what it would be like to have a baby in me. Pondering just how my life could change in a moment and that it would never be the same... Sadly my daydreaming didn't come true.
I crawled into bed just minutes after 6am and snuggled up to my Husband and told him I wasn't pregnant. I instantly fell back asleep numbing any pain I felt. I wished I could have slept forever but an hour is all my body would allow. I had to move on with life and I knew that, but today I didn't have to do it happily. I was sad... really really sad. I thought that I wouldn't let it get to me. That I really was still too scared to be a mom, but I was wrong. I want to be a mom. I have known that sense I was 5. I have never dreamed of being anything else.
I realize that it is only month 3 of many months ahead and that maybe I am being a little ridiculous. Somehow I don't care. I hurt no just the same. I can't stop crying no matter how crazy I keep telling myself it is to be sad when there are more months and more try's. I have tried to numb myself in every way possible but pain always creeps in. If I numb the emotional pain my body gives me physical pain (which is so unfair). I have tried starving myself, overeating, watching anything possible, and reading to distract myself from being disappointed but none of them have worked. I am just sad. I want to be a mom and it scares me that I haven't got pregnant.
I have had dozens of friends who get pregnant without even trying or planning, and I was hoping I would fall under that same category. I realize now that every baby truly is a blessing and a miracle. I guess I just assumed I could sail through one happy moment in life to the next without having to truly feel pain. Today pain has a new meaning to me. A quote I have had on my wall for months finally makes sense...
"Just as a man does not really need food until he is hungry, so he doesn't desire the salvation of Christ until he knows why he needs Christ." - Ezra Taft Benzon
Today I need Christ. I need to know that someone else understands my pain. That my longing is noticed even if my waiting time has been short. I may not be able to stop crying long enough to write this post, but I know that I will eventually stop crying. I know that the Lord has something amazing planned for me even if it isn't right now. I know that my Nathan and I will get to have a family sometime in the future, and that the happiness that lies ahead will be worth every tear drop. For now I must enjoy the little moments I get to have now.
I get to have a husband who loves me more than I have ever been loved. He is currently sleeping on the couch because I was too sad to move from the couch and go to bed. He chose to sleep by me on a two person couch just because he didn't want to leave my side. He has wiped away many of my tears today and I couldn't be more grateful. I love him more and more every second. I know that he will be the best father in the world and that our children will never ever go unloved. I am blessed even when I am sad and so I blog, hoping this long post will somehow help me to sleep rather than cry.
.....Just a side note... It is completely unfair that a girl has to find out she is not pregnant on the day of her period. How mean is that to have super high hormones running through the body on a day that is already guaranteed to be emotional? I find that a bit unfair!
