BEAUUUTY

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY  Theodore Roosevelt (This quote has been a huge part of my journey in learning to find beauty within myself)

I have wanted to write this post for awhile but I always hesitated. Even as I write it I know it is something that I will probably continue to struggle with so I feel like I am not yet to the mastering stage to write and help someone else learn what I have... I still have some learning to do. However I still have something to say about the matter so I'll give it my best.

I am beautiful! We are all perfectly beautiful in our life story! I have not always felt that my whole life. In fact just today I still had moments of hating my hips and candy loving self. However, I know that I am beautiful and I am trying incredibly hard to believe it 100 percent because I deserve to get to that point before the end of my journey.

I first started finding beauty in myself when I met Nate. He was just what I needed in my life. He made/makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing that ever did walk this earth. He has taught me that beauty is not just about actions, physical appearances, talents, or brains. It is so much deeper than that and I am still learning but I think if beauty could be described in one word it would be love.

Now Kendrick taught me beauty on a whole different level. My body had to change drastically to bring him into this world and I will never ever have the body I had before becoming pregnant (which I am thankful as it is a reminder that he once grew inside me and is my little miracle). When I look at Kendrick I see perfection and nothing less. He currently has over 20+ bumps and bruises from being a busy body but he is still perfect. Every bruise, shape, dimple, wrinkle line on his body is a part of his story. He is beautiful because his body is ultimately telling his life story. It will change as he changes and that is a miracle all in itself. His body tells about his past (generations of genes) and in the future it will mold and change as he does.

When I think of little Kendrick and see nothing but beauty I know that I too posses that same beauty. I would be devastated if Kendrick told me he hated his looks or some other similar negative thought. With Kendrick in my life I feel like I have a taste of what God must think when we put ourselves down. I too can be looked at perfectly in the imperfect world. Ya my body may have acne, bruises, dry skin, and too small of a forehead... but it is still my perfect body. It is perfect for me in order to accomplish the things of this life. It is a part of me and that is what makes it so beautiful. When I laugh and get the annoying double chin, I should be thankful for the moments that allowed that story to blossom (probably many late night ice cream parties with Nate). Each part of my physical, mental, and spiritual body is a part of my life that tells something about me and for that I am thankful because it is what makes me Melanie Marie Crow. There is nobody else I'd rather be because quite frankly I have a hard enough time being me.

I still am learning how to love myself 100% but I do know that I am beautiful even if I am not a supermodel or mom of the year. I will keep telling myself that I am perfectly me and one day I know I will believe it 100%. For now though, I'm happy with whatever percent I'm at because it is higher than it has ever been and I'm happier because of it. There is Beauty all around... even within ourselves.

Amazing news still to come!

I have been holding off on some exciting news to share. I just have to wait until Saturday to share it and it is killing me. I want to write about it but know it will be worth the wait.

As a little distraction I will tell you about our week. Nathan had 4 days off starting last Saturday. It was complete bliss. Here is what we did:

Sat: We had dinner Nate's old mission companion and his wife. We ate pupusas and enjoyed great company.
Sun: Chilled
Mon: Caught up on everyday life stuff and set up a tent after dinner (attempted to sleep in it but gave up at 10pm when Kendrick still was not asleep from excitement. We will try again Thursday or Friday)
Tues: Went to a B-day party for my niece who turned one. Sure love the fact that we still have a little family close by.

I'm seriously not trying to keep a secret or anything by waiting and not posting my exciting news until Saturday. It is just that my news has to happen before it will be entirely exciting so that is why I need to be patient along with whoever feels like reading this. Do know that it will still be way more exciting on my end than the reader. Sorry, but trying not to disappoint.

Mister's Words

Kendrick is talking so so much. I absolutely love having a 2 year old. He is such a joy to be around. Here are some things he is saying:

Mister: Babies
Me: You see a baby? Where?
Mister: Where is go?
Me: Is there a baby here? (Pointing to his shoulder)
Mister: (Looks at me confused) Here! (points to a open mouth)
Me: You ate the baby? Oh NO!
Mister: (giggles)
*We have had multiple baby conversations while rocking him to sleep. He will randomly blurt out baby. I think I would find it absolutely adorable if it wasn't quite so random. It kind of freaks me out just a little... especially because in this conversation he ate the baby.

Mister: Chocolate! Airplane! Chocolate Airplane!
Me: You want a chocolate airplane?
Mister: Ya!
*Did you know that you can buy chocolate airplanes? Kendrick has said it so much that I researched them. I'm thinking I might buy him a airplane chocolate mold and make him some because seriously this boy wants a chocolate airplane on a daily basis.

UPDATE: So today I discovered that he has probably never ever said chocolate airplane. He has actually been trying to say jacket airplane. My mommer gave him a jacket that has airplanes all over it and he has been saying while usually standing in his closet. It was not until today until I figured it out. Feeling kinda dump but I do think he would still enjoy a chocolate airplane which is why he didn't mind my misunderstanding.

*The following happens just about each time we are putting Kendrick down for bed or a nap.
Mister: Water? Gik (milk)? blanet? ock (rock)? ock? ock? ock? nuggle (snuggle)? water? ock? etc.

*Conversation each time we change his bum.
Mister: Shower?
Us: No!
Mister: Bath?
Us: Nope!
Mister: Shower? Shower? Shower? Shower?

Mister: (points to himself) Kendrick! (probably more like enik)
Me: (I point to myself) Who is this?
Mister: Mine!
Me: What? (confused he didn't say mama)
Mister: Mine. Mine.
*Heart melted!

*Hands me the phone.
Mister: Call Daddy!

P.s. No not pregnant. I do however ask Kendrick if he wants a brother, sister, or sibling pretty often. He has yet to say no and I just find it adorable. I will usually follow or lead with other questions that he has said no to but never those. His blurting out baby has also never been during the time I'm asking him about future siblings. I guess I keep asking him thinking I will eventually throw him off and he will say no... but I love that it has not yet happened.

UPDATE: So I was prego when I wrote this post but I did not yet know it. The only time Kendrick has EVER said no to wanting a sibling was the day we found out. He said no almost all day. Each day before and now after he always seems to say yes when I ask. I thought it was pretty funny. I think maybe he finally realized it was real and panicked and then once again got excited. Who knows but I sure am grateful he wants a sibling so bad!

Trial Goals before New Years

I love love love making goals every year. I find it so refreshing to start new and create a new part of me that nobody else knows about. I feel like I can be somebody new just by tweaking a few things and ultimately love myself more. I am a huge dreamer so typically I am dreaming all year long but I start to really really apply them in January.

This is how my goal planning typically goes. I start with thinking about them and taking them from every single angel. I work it down to a T. By the end of my thinking almost any question could be asked about my goal and I will have an answer. I don't leave any room for excuses like "oh I didn't think of that." I will know the difference between my goals at home and while on vacation. More times than not I will work Nathan into my planning phase. I like to get his ideas and know just how involved/ supportive he will be with a particular goal. I try to not to expect more than what he tells me.

Once the planning is thought out I try it out. I don't give myself any time fame here I just see if it is achievable. Honestly more times than not the goal isn't : ( So I go back to the creative board and see where it needs tweaking again. Sometimes I just drop it completely and other times I just make a few minor changes. My brain does this continually. When the New Year's hits though I have a pretty good idea on what specific goal(s) I want stick with for the entire year. I try not to pick more than a few goals at most because otherwise I forget them.

Last New Year's I made reading 50 books my goal. I had that same goal in 2012 but didn't intensely focus on it and only read 30 so I thought I'd try again. Well, 2013 I did even worse. I only read 28 books. However, this time I was not so bummed. I tried really really hard to read or listen to books in order to hit my number 50. It turns out I am a busy woman and even though I LOVE to read I don't exactly have time to finish a book every week. I did however discover something new about me with tracking down the books I read.

I discovered that I love reading self help books. Books that may have a bit of a story line but mostly are just there to teach you how to live differently and ... DREAM. One of the most memorable books I read was A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It was about his life and how he went from normal/ average to awesome just by tweaking a few things with his everyday life. Mostly I loved that his words were boring in the beginning chapters and as the book went on his character was changing with each turning page. If he hadn't changed it would have been an awful book but by the end he was an entirely different person. It even has a few swear words (which usually I hate in books) in the beginning but none in the end because he didn't have God in his life in the beginning but did in the end. He changed his writing to really have the reader feel his changes.

Okay that was a bit of a tangent. I just wanted to say that I love making goals and I love changing into something better. This year I'm going with the old fashion sticker chart. Maybe someday I'll post details on my goals this year because THEY ARE AWESOME! I've only been doing them for a few weeks but because I have thought about them for months I know they are going to stick all year round. I made sure that I couldn't fail this year because 2 years in a row was a bit rough.

p.s. I also just finished Start by by Jon Acuff. There were WAY too many examples in each paragraph that I had a bit of a hard time reading it. However, if anyone needs help getting started with goals or changing their lives it is a great book to put you on the right path to awesome.

What I've learned this weekend

We had the opportunity to drive to Utah this weekend and enjoy some special events. Towards the beginning of January we were told that Holly (Nate's sister) would be visiting. After about a week of planning we decided to drive her back to Utah and hear her give her missionary farewell talk rather than fly her back. We made plans to drive there Friday, spend time with my family Saturday, Nate's family on Sunday, and drive back Monday. 

Last Sunday we got a call from Nate's mom telling us that she was going to be remarried and this time be sealed for time and all eternity to her ex-husband, Perry on Saturday the 18th. Her sealing to Nate's Dad had been cancelled and they wanted to take advantage of everyone being in town for Holly's farewell. We were not exactly shocked by this news because she had been dating Perry for awhile and last time I visited Utah we had talked about her remarrying him. Mostly it was hard to accept how quickly it was happening and feel like I would not have a lot of time to spend with my family or have one on one time with her before her marriage.

We were asked many times by several different people how we felt about her marriage. Our answer was always the same; "If Perry is what makes mom happy than we can support her decision in remarrying him." 

I did not realize exactly what it meant to support Nate's mom. I just figured that if I showed up to the wedding and told everyone that I supported her that I did. It wasn't until I was sitting in the temple that I realized at that moment that I possibly didn't. I wanted out. I wanted to bail. It was the first time sitting in the temple that I did not feel the spirit. I did not have a Christlike love for Perry so how could I support him marrying Nate's angelic mother? Many thoughts raced through my head and if it wasn't for wanting to support Nate and his sweet grandmother talking to me I possibly would have left. I didn't want to distract from their special moment with my negative attitude and yet I was struggling with something I thought I was happy about. 

I AM SO GRATEFUL I DID NOT LEAVE!! I have never ever felt the spirit fill a room so quickly. Within moments of the sealer talking I knew that Nate's mother was making a righteous choice. The sealer said that they had been brought together by the Lord, that he could feel that and I believe everyone else could feel it too. I had yet to fully let go of the hurt Perry originally caused her but within minutes knew that he was a different man. He had used the atonement in ways that I will probably never understand and for that I was able to feel a respect for him that I had never felt even before their divorce. Perry loves Nathan's mother and he is the happily ever after to her life story. He may be different than me but he is still one of God's children and I know for a fact that God loves him and his sacrifice to turn his life around after their divorce. 

After they were sealed we had a chance to hug and congratulate them. Originally I was partially nervous for this moment but by the end of their sealing I could not wait for my turn to congratulate them. I was overcome by love for the both of them and their decisions to recommit to one another. I am so proud of them and the sacrifices that they have made in order to be sealed for time and all eternity. They both taught me how to use the atonement to forgive others and how to really love the person needing forgiveness. 

My learning did not stop here however. On the way to Holly's farewell talk we passed the newly married couple on the freeway and because of our new car they did not immediately notice us passing them. I was able to see the love in their eyes as they talked like best friends while driving down the freeway. Nate's mom truly is happy because of Perry and I feel so lucky to have him back in our lives because of the happiness that he gives to her. 

Holly's farewell talk was on the scripture Doctrine and Covenant 18:10. It is about every soul being great in the sight of God. Nate's mom sat behind us playing with Kendrick for most of the talk and I know for a fact that God thinks she and Perry are great. They are meant to be together and divorcing for a time is what allowed their love story to truly blossom. It is different than my own love story but it is still just as beautiful. I am so excited that they both have one another and they do not have to venture this life alone.

Holly and Kendrick standing in Cindy and Cecil's kitchen addition

I have always loved Nathan's family. They accepted me from day one and I feel so loved in their presence. This weekend I grew to love them more. Each one of them has a light that radiates from them and warms the soul. They love deeply and I feel so blessed to be apart of that love. There were many laughs and memories shared that I hope to never forget. One of them being Nathan sleep talking... which he is currently doing as I write this. I am so stinkin happy to have married into the Crow family.

P.S. I did end up having a few hours to visit my family and a wonderful friend. I forget how nice it is to be in Utah. Arizona is my home but Utah has a place in my heart that will never be replaced.

An Angel living among us

I have no no no idea how we were able to land Miss Holly Crow with us in AZ but she has been more than we could have asked for this week. Kendrick has been sick for the past few days with the flu and Auntie Holly has been incredibly helpful. I have been having some dizzy spells (another sickness maybe?) and there were moments where I could not take care of my little boy. Nate and Holly stepped up to the plate no questions asked. Carpets were scrubbed, laundry was washed, dinner was made, and trips to the store are just a few things that both Holly and Nate have been doing with a cheerful voice.

Again I have no idea how we landed this angel but we are going to enjoy a few more days of the old Nintendo, speed games, board games, and down right good conversations before we take her back to Utah to give her farewell talk.

Miss Holly will be serving a mission in Arcadia, CA and will leave for the Mexico MTC in one week. I feel like we are royalty getting her all to ourselves in her last few days before the mission. We have a lot going on this weekend but I will do my best to take some photos and report back shortly on our adventures.

Pictures from the phone

I just learned how to e-mail my pictures from my phone to my e-mail and so I thought I would share a few of my recent favorite.

Nathan was being the star hubby and Daddy that he is and went grocery shopping with Kendrick. It just so happened to be that it was during Kendrick’s nap time so this is a picture he sent me of Kendrick trying to get comfortable enough in the cart to take a nap.

I was trying to send a picture to Nathan to show off my lipstick that I had just made with my sil. I don’t know how I moved the phone to get it blurry but I loved the way that it was still me through the blur.

Kendrick was playing in my Auntie and Uncle’s yard and after a few minutes of not seeing him or hearing him I found him against the wall on this giant bike. He is bound to be an athletic champ. He loves everything outside… camping, biking, swimming, running… he was born to be an outdoors man.

Grown to 2!

Yesterday we celebrated Kendrick's 2nd Birthday. It made me a teensy bit sad but mostly I couldn't help repeating Happy Birthday to him a million times because I love watching my little boy grow. We celebrated by having cinnamon roll pancakes for breakfast, going to Frozen (looks like we are increasing our tradition to 2 movies a year) and eating popcorn for lunch, and then had a small party with our neighbors who have 4 boys.

Kendrick played with his toys every waking chance he got. I love that almost any toy can keep his attention for such a long period of time. He loves to play and imagine. He loves to ride around the tile on his cars or bike. He likes it when I play with him but he also doesn't mind following me around and playing wherever I am cleaning. He is my little helper and buddy and I it is hard to remember what my life was like before he was a part of it. He just fits with Nate and I and everyday we feel so lucky to be called his parents.

Happy Birthday Kendrick! We look forward to spoiling you every year because we are so happy that you were born into our family!

Mister is not so little

I feel like Kendrick has gone from being my little toddler to my little boy the last few days. He has developmentally changed so much that I knew I needed to document it. In less than a week this is what he has learned.

*How to get water out of the fridge for himself.

*That climbing out of his crib was cool. We decided to switch it to a toddler bed on Wednesday. Already he has learned to stay in his bed until mommy or daddy come and get him even though he does have access to get out.

*Mimicking every single word I say... except Love. This one impresses me the most. Last week it felt like he didn't know more than 20-30 words and all of the sudden he knows hundreds. I guess he decided that it was cool to talk after all.

*He understands to wait for a prayer before eating his dinner.

*If he looses something I can ask him where he put it last and he will almost always remember and go and grab it.

*He will tell me if he is hungry or thirsty and usually tell me what he wants to eat or drink.

*If I tell him what we will be doing after his nap or when he wakes up in the morning he will go to sleep giggling with excitement.

*Still sleeps like a champ. It is rare for him not to sleep at least 12 hours at night and he has finally switched to just one nap which is typically 2 1/2 - 4 hours. Mister loves his sleep.

*We took away his binky and just told him it was gone. He barely fussed which was a HUGE deal because we though he was so attached. A few days later he saw a binky we hadn't thrown out yet and cried for it. I handed it to him and told him to go throw it away. No questions asked he took it from my hands and ran and dumped it in the trash. Proudest moment of my mister.

*When in Washington he learned the word snuggle and says it whenever he wants me to snuggle him.

*He will run and hug me LOTS throughout the day and makes it a mini game.

*He loves to just play with one or two toys at a time. He has a favorite truck and police car that he keeps in both hands and will entertain him for HOURS. He is also great about cleaning up his toys and singing the clean up song while he does it.

*When I tell him Daddy is at work he will stop looking for him around the house and say "Daddy work"

 I love being this little misters mama. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible. Nate is also the best Daddy I could have hoped for. Growing up I never imagined my kids having such a great Dad... I just assumed Dad's worked and that was their only role. Nate is so much more than that. He plays and teaches Kendrick so much. He never ever loses patience or cheerfulness. He is Kendrick's best friend and even just today before his nap Kendrick told me he missed Daddy. I feel so blessed to have such amazing boys in my life and I hope to someday have more. I adore boys and would be completely content if that is all our family consisted of...except me haha.

2013 from the camera