The best Christmas present I got this year was having my sister from Boston come and spend the week with us. I adore her and love having her in our home. Kendrick learned how to pronounce Aunt Tine and it melts my heart as much as the word mommy. He adores his auntie and we both were sad to see her leave. It was hard not to feel bummed when he woke up asking for her this morning. She headed back to Boston last night and I am already trying to figure out how we can live closer. We are thinking of possibly moving again and Tine is factored into our plans because we just love being around her. We are big big dreamers and this is what our future looks like...
We buy a duplex with my brother David and each live on one side of it. My best friend and Tine will be our neighbors in which we will have a underground tunnel that will connect the houses. This underground tunnel will include a theater/ game room. It will have a secret entrance so that our kids will not know about it. There will be a recreational center in our backyard that will have everything from a zip line to a gymnastic tramp and anything dreamable and amazing in it.
It is pretty much the best dream ever and luckily Nate has a job that is flexible on locations so it really will happen. So excited for this dream to come true! It makes living apart from them now seem doable because when we live close together our world will be heaven!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Say what you want to say
A few weeks ago I posted about this song, Brave. I decided that it deserved another post because I truly think it is that amazing. This time around though it has to do with being brave while communicating. If you listen to the song again and think about the lyrics telling you to be brave enough to have difficult conversations (this can be anything that would be difficult for you to talk about) with people it has a whole new meaning.
I did my bachelor's in communication because I think it is so important in the family unit. I have always struggled with communicating and being brave about my true feelings and opinions. I had a boyfriend call me out on it in high school and I will be forever grateful for him telling me that. I have been trying to change since because of him bringing that weakness to my attention. I never had a strong opinion of my own. I would just agree with whomever to make peace and move on but not actually fix a relationship or deepen a relationship by stating my true feelings on a subject.
Speaking up has absolutely backfired many times when I choose to be brave and put my feelings out there. However, I have yet to truly regret ever choosing to be open. There have been too many good things that have come out from speaking up about something that I'm convinced that talking too much is still better than not talking at all. Being open is a very vulnerable thing and yet it is what can allow others in and heal relationships.
Example: I was (I've been trying to change :) ) the type of person would shut down completely when I was sad, mad, or irritated in some way. I would go in my room and attempt to lock out the world until I felt better. I would not say a word for hours no matter the questions I got asked. I just had to get over my bad mood and then I would come back out acting like nothing even happened.
This has been the most damaging attribute of mine to our marriage. Why? Because when I don't talk I am ultimately telling Nathan that my feelings are more important than his. I am ignoring his need to talk about whatever happened and shutting him out of my life for awhile. Don't get me wrong, it is important to calm down before communicating, but the difference is that I wouldn't even communicate after I felt better. I would just move on with life and ignore whatever issue was going on.... NOT COOL!
I have had to learn to communicate time frames when talking about sensitive subjects. For example I'll tell Nate I'm too upset to talk now but lets talk (insert time). Sometimes we won't resolve an issue for days or weeks but we will still remind each other to think about it. This way we can try to understand our own feelings toward the subject and then try to think of a way to help the other person understand our point of view. It has taken me years to get to this point in communicating but I feel like I have a deeper relationship with Nate and other people because of it.
There is another song that goes along perfectly with this topic called Walls. Check it out! It was another gem introduced to me by my high school boyfriend and while the singers are not outstanding the message certainly is. I probably have even shared it on here before but I don't even care because I love it. :)
I did my bachelor's in communication because I think it is so important in the family unit. I have always struggled with communicating and being brave about my true feelings and opinions. I had a boyfriend call me out on it in high school and I will be forever grateful for him telling me that. I have been trying to change since because of him bringing that weakness to my attention. I never had a strong opinion of my own. I would just agree with whomever to make peace and move on but not actually fix a relationship or deepen a relationship by stating my true feelings on a subject.
Speaking up has absolutely backfired many times when I choose to be brave and put my feelings out there. However, I have yet to truly regret ever choosing to be open. There have been too many good things that have come out from speaking up about something that I'm convinced that talking too much is still better than not talking at all. Being open is a very vulnerable thing and yet it is what can allow others in and heal relationships.
Example: I was (I've been trying to change :) ) the type of person would shut down completely when I was sad, mad, or irritated in some way. I would go in my room and attempt to lock out the world until I felt better. I would not say a word for hours no matter the questions I got asked. I just had to get over my bad mood and then I would come back out acting like nothing even happened.
This has been the most damaging attribute of mine to our marriage. Why? Because when I don't talk I am ultimately telling Nathan that my feelings are more important than his. I am ignoring his need to talk about whatever happened and shutting him out of my life for awhile. Don't get me wrong, it is important to calm down before communicating, but the difference is that I wouldn't even communicate after I felt better. I would just move on with life and ignore whatever issue was going on.... NOT COOL!
I have had to learn to communicate time frames when talking about sensitive subjects. For example I'll tell Nate I'm too upset to talk now but lets talk (insert time). Sometimes we won't resolve an issue for days or weeks but we will still remind each other to think about it. This way we can try to understand our own feelings toward the subject and then try to think of a way to help the other person understand our point of view. It has taken me years to get to this point in communicating but I feel like I have a deeper relationship with Nate and other people because of it.
There is another song that goes along perfectly with this topic called Walls. Check it out! It was another gem introduced to me by my high school boyfriend and while the singers are not outstanding the message certainly is. I probably have even shared it on here before but I don't even care because I love it. :)
Monday, December 23, 2013
B is for Boston
A few weeks back I pulled out some of Kendrick's hats. He has always had a small head so even the infant size hat drowned him until now. It is still a tad big but I was happy to learn that Kendrick LOVES hats. He loves them so much that he will occasionally scream at the hat to stay on his head upon it falling off. It is frustrating trying to teach him not to scream but I also love his passion for trying to make it stay on.
All the pictures are blurry because Kendrick only has one speed... lighting fast! Our camera just can't keep up.
All the pictures are blurry because Kendrick only has one speed... lighting fast! Our camera just can't keep up.
Aloha!
This post will never be the way I want it so I'm posting it anyway. I don't feel like I can do it justice. It is so hard to explain because I feel like it was the best thing for our marriage but possibly the worst thing for Kendrick. I'm a huge fan of taking kids on vacation but I also think it is so important to have time to reconnect with your spouse. Clearly the best option is to pay for a babysitter to spend vacation with you so that you can have some time alone but still time together as a family. Next time we will probably make sure we can afford a babysitter. Kendrick was WELL watched over and we didn't have to worry a bit. It was just hard to be away from him and help him build confidence in us that we would not leave him again.
Leaving AZ!
Nate's activity
Can see our condo from the sky
Jurassic Park waterfall? One of the waterfalls was...
Begging Nate to make the helicopter land. I hope to never get on a helicopter again unless I'm dying. Violently numb and dizzy.
Sunrise.
Mel's activity. 8 mile hike (round trip) along the coast to a waterfall.
Bamboo
We made it to the waterfall.
Hawaii was magical. It was like hitting a reset button on our marriage. We were able to work through areas that we put on the back burner for awhile. It honestly felt like we were newly married and madly in love (because we are). I am so looking forward to what 2014 has to offer us because Nate and I are ready. We are strong and we are ready to fight whatever life wants to throw our way. Our 3rd year of marriage was possibly the hardest simply because each day it felt like there was no time for us. It has only been a few months but I'm thinking our 4th year is going to be the best. I don't care what life hands us this year we are going to make our lemonade out of it and enjoy sipping it together.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Brave (Intense post!)
There are many many posts that I am so excited to share. I’m skipping Hawaii at the moment and moving onto my trip to Utah because Hawaii is mainly pictures and if you know me I prefer to blab instead of load pictures.
Utah was a trip to see family. It was incredibly hard because Nate and I had spend so much time together and had created a positive reset on our marriage that time away was almost unbearable. To top it off I had one of the most awful experiences of my life during my stay.
Backing up a bit my BFF came and visited Nate and I the week before we left for HA. It was during Halloween and to get into the Holiday spirit one night we decided to watch a scary movie. Worst decision ever made. In the first few minutes of watching the show I had my eyes tight shut and my ears plugged while screaming “turn it off!!” My spirit felt damaged and I felt like throwing up. What I had seen was far too evil for my spirit. We changed movies but I continued to talk to Nate about my fear of what I had seen. I did not sleep well that night but a few days later it was soon forgotten.
Fast forward to my trip to Utah and I couldn’t get the image of what I had seen out of my mind. Each time I closed my eyes I saw the same movie clip. I was terrified to sleep and so I read my scriptures, sang songs, and tried to think happy happy thoughts. If/When I finally did fall asleep I’d have the worst nightmare I have ever experienced.
The first time I had this nightmare was about 7-8 months after Kendrick was born. In the nightmare I am trapped in my dream paralyzed knowing I am dreaming but unable to wake up. Most often I can control my dreams. I can change them in the middle or wake up the second I realize I’m dreaming. The first time the nightmare happened I could hear Kendrick crying but I didn't know how to wake up in order to go get him. I would tell myself to just move my arm, leg, toe, etc and when I tried I’d realize I couldn't. When I finally was able to snap out of it I knew Kendrick had been crying for a minimum of a half hour. I sobbed to my dad (Nate was in school) about how terrifying this dream was to me.
While in Utah I was having my paralyzing dream once more only I knew that I was not alone in it. I could feel the presence of evil in the dream but being paralyzed I could not run from it. I knew exactly where in my room a negative presence was standing. It spoke my name and it was so clear it was as if someone right next to me was saying Melanie. It was then that I realized I could still control one thing… my breath. I instantly held it and woke up immediately. (If anyone is ever unfortunate enough to ever experience this dream I have done it a few times sense and it seems to be a foolproof way to wake up)
I was so scared I just shook sobbing unable to move for fear that the evil presence had not only been a dream. I finally was able to reach my phone and call my sister who luckily was in a time zone 3 hrs ahead of mine (It was 4am in Utah). To my delight she answered and I know that this was the first of many miracles that were about to happen. She calmed me down and gave me the confidence to go upstairs to try to get a blessing from Nate’s dad, Cecil. She sang Brave by Sara Bareilles while I climbed the stairs. It is now one of my favorite songs.
Nate’s dad was not awake and so I turned on Finding Nemo instead and decided to wait until he was awake. When he did come out I was too bashful to ask for a blessing. However, the spirit that Cecil was following allowed him to ask questions that opened the door for me to be brave and ask for one. I will never forget the blessing that was given. There were so many phrases and words in it that were right out of my patriarchal blessing. The sprit was strong. I felt so much love and respect for Nate’s family for not judging or criticizing my raw feelings. Cindy (Nate’s step-ma) even stayed home from work for a few hours to comfort me. I will never forget the kindness and love that she gave.
Once again we are going to fast forward to just a few days before leaving for Washington. I would be leaving my hubby for 12 days to watch my cute nieces so my brother and SIL could take a much needed vacation. I was having panic attacks about the upcoming trip and the possibility of experiencing my nightmare while alone with 3 kids. I was again seeing the image of the movie being replayed in my mind when I would close my eyes. Less than 48 hours before my flight was to leave I was bawling to Nate about my fears. I even embarrassingly asked my SIL in Oregon if I could possibly stay with her and her family for the 12 days if I had to. I was a mess and feeling completely defeated.
I tell you these details because I am so proud of how far I have come and how quickly the spirit of fear can be filled with peace. I asked Nathan if he would give me a blessing before I left but I never ended up feeling the need for it. It was Nate’s turn to pray the night I was sobbing to him and I have felt completely brave, confident, peaceful, clear minded sense that prayer was said. He only said 3 sentences regarding my fear and the second they were said I felt the fear leave and the peace fill my heart.
I am currently writing this while still in Washington with only 2 more nights to go. I wrote this entire post without having a panic attack. I am alone with 3 kids sleeping and my fear is defeated. The evil presence did not win because when there is light and goodness in the world it never will.
I believe that when we look for evil it will come. I allowed that evil to come into my heart and home by giving it power to frighten me. I believe that there is a devil who knows our fears and weaknesses and wants us to be miserable like himself. I also believe in a Savior who fought for the sins of the world so that we could have joy and live with him again. Fear and Peace cannot coexist. We must pick a side (I recommend peace) and be brave enough to fight for it. Good will always win.
While fears and temptations do exists they are meant to help strengthen us not bring us down to the gulfs of misery. If there is a fear that is too difficult to overcome then make Jesus Christ your best friend because he will carry you through. He will help your heart heal and your fears quiet. He will not only love you endlessly but teach you how to love endlessly and make this life a happy one. When Christ is our companion we can accomplish any goal or dream that we think up. He will be our biggest cheerleader to accomplishing this life if we just let him in. Remember Him this Christmas because ultimately He is the greatest gift that was ever given to mankind.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Crow #2
Nope not preggo! However, this post is about baby number 2! It has been on my mind a lot which is why I might as well blog about it. I love babies! If I didn't want to be a stay at home mom so badly I would probably be a Obstetrician or something as close to that as possible. I always have this constant pull to have a newborn in my arms. Newborns have a spirit about them that no other person posses. They are a taste of heaven and the closest thing to it.
Mainly I just wanted to talk about #2 because everyone (meaning people who are not family or friends) keeps asking us about it. I'm a fairly open person so if people are going to keep asking I guess I can post our response on here and refer the question to my blog. I think I'm amazed by everyone being so bold because I only had one person ask us when we were going to get pregnant the 1st time. Also I rarely had anyone comment too much on my pregnancy. Somehow we are now getting questions at least once a week about #2. I'm blown out of the water each time and usually just laugh because it is so awkward. I don't understand why they try so hard to tell me that Kendrick needs a brother when do not even know Kendrick's first name.
I will always want a baby. I wanted to be pregnant again almost the moment I had Kendrick because I missed having him in my belly. I love pregnancy and I love babies. That part is simple for me. The complicated part is that I'm a logical person. I don't let my love for a newborn baby overpower my thoughts of what is right for our family. I love my time with Kendrick. He keeps me so busy during the day that my confidence as a mom to more than one is pretty low. I know my Heavenly Father will help me with that but I also believe that I know my own limits and being aware of that is what help me be a better mom when we choose to expand our family.
When we choose to have another baby it will be between God, Nathan and I. I do know that I will be overjoyed no matter the moment but I'm also overjoyed with my life now. I feel complete with what blessings I have been given to me now. While babies are always a blessing Kenny has filled my heart to the rim. When the time comes for another it will be the best time in our lives I am sure. Right now though I'm still so so so happy that God allowed me to be a mother to Kendrick. He is my world and I feel so complete with him in it. He allowed me to have my dream job and I have much I can still do to be better at it.
So to answer the question on when will we have #2? No idea! I'm happy waiting and I also wish that I could have a baby tomorrow. I have no doubts that Kendrick would love having a playmate now. I also don't doubt that he will be a great big brother even if his sibling is not super close to his age. I will be the one teaching my children how to love and respect each other so there is no magical age that will make that happen.
OFF TOPIC PARAGRAPH: Nathan is the most supportive husband ever! He supports my ideas and helps me move past my fears. I look forward to our adventures that we still have ahead of us and enjoy the ones we are currently living. We don't have a perfect marriage but we are continually learning and growing in order to try to better it. We have had some big decisions to make the past few weeks and I am so proud of his ability to make them with confidence. He amazes me on a daily basis. He is the love of my life and I feel so lucky that I met him at a young age so I could make all of life's big decisions with him.
Mainly I just wanted to talk about #2 because everyone (meaning people who are not family or friends) keeps asking us about it. I'm a fairly open person so if people are going to keep asking I guess I can post our response on here and refer the question to my blog. I think I'm amazed by everyone being so bold because I only had one person ask us when we were going to get pregnant the 1st time. Also I rarely had anyone comment too much on my pregnancy. Somehow we are now getting questions at least once a week about #2. I'm blown out of the water each time and usually just laugh because it is so awkward. I don't understand why they try so hard to tell me that Kendrick needs a brother when do not even know Kendrick's first name.
I will always want a baby. I wanted to be pregnant again almost the moment I had Kendrick because I missed having him in my belly. I love pregnancy and I love babies. That part is simple for me. The complicated part is that I'm a logical person. I don't let my love for a newborn baby overpower my thoughts of what is right for our family. I love my time with Kendrick. He keeps me so busy during the day that my confidence as a mom to more than one is pretty low. I know my Heavenly Father will help me with that but I also believe that I know my own limits and being aware of that is what help me be a better mom when we choose to expand our family.
When we choose to have another baby it will be between God, Nathan and I. I do know that I will be overjoyed no matter the moment but I'm also overjoyed with my life now. I feel complete with what blessings I have been given to me now. While babies are always a blessing Kenny has filled my heart to the rim. When the time comes for another it will be the best time in our lives I am sure. Right now though I'm still so so so happy that God allowed me to be a mother to Kendrick. He is my world and I feel so complete with him in it. He allowed me to have my dream job and I have much I can still do to be better at it.
So to answer the question on when will we have #2? No idea! I'm happy waiting and I also wish that I could have a baby tomorrow. I have no doubts that Kendrick would love having a playmate now. I also don't doubt that he will be a great big brother even if his sibling is not super close to his age. I will be the one teaching my children how to love and respect each other so there is no magical age that will make that happen.
OFF TOPIC PARAGRAPH: Nathan is the most supportive husband ever! He supports my ideas and helps me move past my fears. I look forward to our adventures that we still have ahead of us and enjoy the ones we are currently living. We don't have a perfect marriage but we are continually learning and growing in order to try to better it. We have had some big decisions to make the past few weeks and I am so proud of his ability to make them with confidence. He amazes me on a daily basis. He is the love of my life and I feel so lucky that I met him at a young age so I could make all of life's big decisions with him.
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