Week 5

This week I have been able to smell everything. I have had to consciously bite my tongue so that I wouldn't give away my pregnancy by claiming a smell that was too far away for anyone else to smell. I have been so surprised on how many things I can smell before seeing. Early this morning while I was getting ready I kept on smelling something sweet when I walked by my dresser but I couldn't pin point the smell. I discovered later that there was a candle for decoration I had forgotten about and originally thought was odorless but was overwhelmed by the immense scent that it was putting off. It has been an amazing discovery to have a powerful smelling nose and to be smelling the world differently.

This may be too much information but because I am writing for the purpose of creating a memory I am going to say it anyway. My breasts have been extremely sore. It sometimes hurts to have water from the shower hitting them. They already feel like they are huge and I am barely even pregnant!!

I still have all of the same symptoms from last week with the sleeplessness increased. I toss and turned all week and never once was able to sleep past 6:30am. I cannot even nap throughout the day for more than a few minutes. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing. I have been able to work out and have time for homework before my 9am class but I really miss uninterrupted 8 hour nights. Now is the time to live up the sleep before our baby (ies) come and yet I can't. It is frustrating and really nice all at the same time. This week has flown by and I am amazed at how quickly things change. I'm onto week 6 with the hope that I am one of those girls that doesn't get sick when pregnant :)

... I almost forgot that I have also had extremely dry eyes and abdominal cramping. 

Timing.

Timing is everything in my life. Things always seem to follow into exact alignment with what I am capable of handling. I was always so scared of college, marriage, and having a baby. I would always freak myself out thinking about each one until I reach the major turning point in life and then I could never ever be more calm. The day I moved into my first apartment away from home I felt like I was home. The day Nathan proposed there was not an ounce of me that would have said no. Being pregnant right now is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

I feel like my life is in complete balance and I am not scared to take on risks or explore the world. I feel like if I had gotten pregnant any sooner than I would still be nervous about things but the timing could not have been more perfect. I have an outstanding man, family, and Heavenly Father that make me feel confident in where my life is headed. Life is GOOD :)

Crib mishap!

Nathan and I have been looking on KSL for the perfect crib for a few months now. We have found a few good deals but we have only called 2 people that had stealer deals. The second person we called had not sold the crib and we told them that we wanted it. Nathan had to work the next couple of days and then the people selling the crib were going out of town on the weekend so we told them that we could pick it up the following Tuesday...

Yup they sold it to someone who came and picked it up before their vacation. It was so disappointing because it would have been possible for me to get the crib without Nate the week before but we wanted to go together because it was a far drive. We still have 8+ months but it is hard to find a steal on KSL when there are so many cribs to browse through. We will just have to be more on top of the ball next time.

Week 4

Well I found out that I was officially pregnant on the 17th of May. I was 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant and my HCG was still extremely low. I have had a few pregnancy symptoms so I want to get in the habit of writing every week.

The weirdest and most unique symptom is my burning hips. It feels like a burning charlie horse right in the center of my hip. I have yet to find a stretch that will make it go away. The intensity of the pain varies but I notice it most early in the morning and right before bed.

I have had a few headaches but I know it is just because of the hormones.

I have already had to pee a bunch. I can hardly make it though my 3 hour classes without racing to the bathroom. I have also increased my water intake so it is hard to tell if it from drinking more or because I am pregnant. I think it is because I am pregnant!

The last symptom is that I have not been tired at all. I am lucky if I can stay asleep for 7 hours. I usually can't sleep during my period because of the hormones so I am assuming it is the same thing. In the beginning of the week I couldn't fall asleep (which is usually really easy for me) and now I cannot stay asleep. On Thursday I woke up and got completely ready for my class before I realized that it was barely even 6 in the morning. I must have looked at the clock wrong when I first woke up but my body was all done sleeping that I didn't even notice the hour lost. I have been trying to force myself to go back to sleep when I wake up but I can't ever make it past 7:30.  

I am determined to love every phase of this pregnancy. I cannot say that I am not excited for January to come, but I would be lying if I said I wish it was January. I want to experience the next 8+ months. I want to be able to feel our baby (ies) growing, and love all the changes that are going to happen. I think that having a baby inside of me is almost as special as holding a baby. I know how fast time flies by and I don't want to miss a second!

Teasers

This past week has been an interesting one. It all started last Wednesday with me spotting. I instantly assumed it had to be my period and did not bother to get my hopes up on anything else. I usually spot before and after my period so I was satisfied with being disappointed that this month was not going to be my successful pregnant month. I waited a few more days only to discover that I still wasn't bleeding and this did seem odd. I had normal cramps and mood swings so I still didn't even slightly get my hopes up. I did however take a few pregnancy tests only to have all 3 (different days) come back negative. I decided that it was a good excuse to go and see an Obgyn. I had been meaning to go for awhile because of how irregular my periods were but the spotting for a week had pushed me into doing it sooner.

I went in to the student health center on Monday and had a whole routine checkup. The nurse did not suggest that I get a pregnancy test because all of the home pregnancy tests had been coming up negative so instead she ordered a blood test to see my platelet count. I had just had a similar blood test done in January that came back regular so I was slightly annoyed by her not doing the pregnancy test in addition to the other blood work. I have extremely small vains that go flat and roll when I try to give blood so the less times I have to give it the better. In fact they had to poke me 4 times before they were successful. Luckily I had my hubby to support me because I hate giving blood.

On Tuesday I got an e-mail back saying the my platelet count was normal. I was relieved but still spotting and slightly worried. I decided to take another pregnancy test and it kind of showed up positive :) I am still really hesitant to admit that I really am pregnant because the second line that showed up to confirm that I was pregnant was really faint. I have been resisting the urge to continue peeing on sticks because I still have not started my period and even a faint line is better than no line. I couldn't be happier! I truly know that being pregnant is a miracle and I don't want to take any stage for granted.

I have been frustrated with the uncertainty of everything but will take the forced patience/teasing over not being pregnant. It only took us a couple of months to get pregnant and I still feel like I am the luckiest person alive to be blessed with a baby. I never want to forget how lucky I am. I have the most wonderful husband in the world and I will soon have the most wonderful little family. I am on top of the world and loving the view!

Mellie

Feelings I have never felt until today.

Today I woke up over an hour before my alarm clock with anticipation. I forced myself to not look at the clock until at least 5:30 and then tried to keep my excitement to myself for the remaining half hour. I couldn't find sleep but it was not hard to daydream. I was picturing myself as a mother. Wondering what it would be like to have a baby in me. Pondering just how my life could change in a moment and that it would never be the same... Sadly my daydreaming didn't come true.

I crawled into bed just minutes after 6am and snuggled up to my Husband and told him I wasn't pregnant. I instantly fell back asleep numbing any pain I felt. I wished I could have slept forever but an hour is all my body would allow. I had to move on with life and I knew that, but today I didn't have to do it happily. I was sad... really really sad. I thought that I wouldn't let it get to me. That I really was still too scared to be a mom, but I was wrong. I want to be a mom. I have known that sense I was 5. I have never dreamed of being anything else.

I realize that it is only month 3 of many months ahead and that maybe I am being a little ridiculous. Somehow I don't care. I hurt no just the same. I can't stop crying no matter how crazy I keep telling myself it is to be sad when there are more months and more try's. I have tried to numb myself in every way possible but pain always creeps in. If I numb the emotional pain my body gives me physical pain (which is so unfair). I have tried starving myself, overeating, watching anything possible, and reading to distract myself from being disappointed but none of them have worked. I am just sad. I want to be a mom and it scares me that I haven't got pregnant.

I have had dozens of friends who get pregnant without even trying or planning, and I was hoping I would fall under that same category. I realize now that every baby truly is a blessing and a miracle. I guess I just assumed I could sail through one happy moment in life to the next without having to truly feel pain. Today pain has a new meaning to me. A quote I have had on my wall for months finally makes sense...

        "Just as a man does not really need food until he is hungry, so he doesn't desire the salvation of Christ until he knows why he needs Christ." - Ezra Taft Benzon

Today I need Christ. I need to know that someone else understands my pain. That my longing is noticed even if my waiting time has been short. I may not be able to stop crying long enough to write this post, but I know that I will eventually stop crying. I know that the Lord has something amazing planned for me even if it isn't right now. I know that my Nathan and I will get to have a family sometime in the future, and that the happiness that lies ahead will be worth every tear drop. For now I must enjoy the little moments I get to have now.

I get to have a husband who loves me more than I have ever been loved. He is currently sleeping on the couch because I was too sad to move from the couch and go to bed. He chose to sleep by me on a two person couch just because he didn't want to leave my side. He has wiped away many of my tears today and I couldn't be more grateful. I love him more and more every second. I know that he will be the best father in the world and that our children will never ever go unloved. I am blessed even when I am sad and so I blog, hoping this long post will somehow help me to sleep rather than cry.

.....Just a side note... It is completely unfair that a girl has to find out she is not pregnant on the day of her period. How mean is that to have super high hormones running through the body on a day that is already guaranteed to be emotional? I find that a bit unfair!