Brave (Intense post!)

There are many many posts that I am so excited to share. I’m skipping Hawaii at the moment and moving onto my trip to Utah because Hawaii is mainly pictures and if you know me I prefer to blab instead of load pictures.

Utah was a trip to see family. It was incredibly hard because Nate and I had spend so much time together and had created a positive reset on our marriage that time away was almost unbearable. To top it off I had one of the most awful experiences of my life during my stay.

Backing up a bit my BFF came and visited Nate and I the week before we left for HA. It was during Halloween and to get into the Holiday spirit one night we decided to watch a scary movie. Worst decision ever made. In the first few minutes of watching the show I had my eyes tight shut and my ears plugged while screaming “turn it off!!” My spirit felt damaged and I felt like throwing up. What I had seen was far too evil for my spirit. We changed movies but I continued to talk to Nate about my fear of what I had seen. I did not sleep well that night but a few days later it was soon forgotten.

Fast forward to my trip to Utah and I couldn’t get the image of what I had seen out of my mind. Each time I closed my eyes I saw the same movie clip. I was terrified to sleep and so I read my scriptures, sang songs, and tried to think happy happy thoughts. If/When I finally did fall asleep I’d have the worst nightmare I have ever experienced.

The first time I had this nightmare was about 7-8 months after Kendrick was born. In the nightmare I am trapped in my dream paralyzed knowing I am dreaming but unable to wake up. Most often I can control my dreams. I can change them in the middle or wake up the second I realize I’m dreaming. The first time the nightmare happened I could hear Kendrick crying but I didn't know how to wake up in order to go get him. I would tell myself to just move my arm, leg, toe, etc and when I tried I’d realize I couldn't. When I finally was able to snap out of it I knew Kendrick had been crying for a minimum of a half hour. I sobbed to my dad (Nate was in school) about how terrifying this dream was to me.

While in Utah I was having my paralyzing dream once more only I knew that I was not alone in it. I could feel the presence of evil in the dream but being paralyzed I could not run from it. I knew exactly where in my room a negative presence was standing. It spoke my name and it was so clear it was as if someone right next to me was saying Melanie. It was then that I realized I could still control one thing… my breath. I instantly held it and woke up immediately. (If anyone is ever unfortunate enough to ever experience this dream I have done it a few times sense and it seems to be a foolproof way to wake up)

I was so scared I just shook sobbing unable to move for fear that the evil presence had not only been a dream. I finally was able to reach my phone and call my sister who luckily was in a time zone 3 hrs ahead of mine (It was 4am in Utah). To my delight she answered and I know that this was the first of many miracles that were about to happen. She calmed me down and gave me the confidence to go upstairs to try to get a blessing from Nate’s dad, Cecil. She sang Brave by Sara Bareilles while I climbed the stairs. It is now one of my favorite songs.

Nate’s dad was not awake and so I turned on Finding Nemo instead and decided to wait until he was awake. When he did come out I was too bashful to ask for a blessing. However, the spirit that Cecil was following allowed him to ask questions that opened the door for me to be brave and ask for one. I will never forget the blessing that was given. There were so many phrases and words in it that were right out of my patriarchal blessing. The sprit was strong. I felt so much love and respect for Nate’s family for not judging or criticizing my raw feelings. Cindy (Nate’s step-ma) even stayed home from work for a few hours to comfort me. I will never forget the kindness and love that she gave.

Once again we are going to fast forward to just a few days before leaving for Washington. I would be leaving my hubby for 12 days to watch my cute nieces so my brother and SIL could take a much needed vacation. I was having panic attacks about the upcoming trip and the possibility of experiencing my nightmare while alone with 3 kids. I was again seeing the image of the movie being replayed in my mind when I would close my eyes. Less than 48 hours before my flight was to leave I was bawling to Nate about my fears. I even embarrassingly asked my SIL in Oregon if I could possibly stay with her and her family for the 12 days if I had to. I was a mess and feeling completely defeated.

I tell you these details because I am so proud of how far I have come and how quickly the spirit of fear can be filled with peace. I asked Nathan if he would give me a blessing before I left but I never ended up feeling the need for it. It was Nate’s turn to pray the night I was sobbing to him and I have felt completely brave, confident, peaceful, clear minded sense that prayer was said. He only said 3 sentences regarding my fear and the second they were said I felt the fear leave and the peace fill my heart.

I am currently writing this while still in Washington with only 2 more nights to go. I wrote this entire post without having a panic attack. I am alone with 3 kids sleeping and my fear is defeated. The evil presence did not win because when there is light and goodness in the world it never will.
I believe that when we look for evil it will come. I allowed that evil to come into my heart and home by giving it power to frighten me. I believe that there is a devil who knows our fears and weaknesses and wants us to be miserable like himself. I also believe in a Savior who fought for the sins of the world so that we could have joy and live with him again. Fear and Peace cannot coexist. We must pick a side (I recommend peace) and be brave enough to fight for it. Good will always win.

While fears and temptations do exists they are meant to help strengthen us not bring us down to the gulfs of misery. If there is a fear that is too difficult to overcome then make Jesus Christ your best friend because he will carry you through. He will help your heart heal and your fears quiet. He will not only love you endlessly but teach you how to love endlessly and make this life a happy one. When Christ is our companion we can accomplish any goal or dream that we think up. He will be our biggest cheerleader to accomplishing this life if we just let him in. Remember Him this Christmas because ultimately He is the greatest gift that was ever given to mankind.